As you’ve probably realized — especially if you’ve met two-beers Carly who is a gem — I have a lot of thoughts about a lot of things. Examples include but are not limited to: Costco hot dogs should always be eaten on the tailboard of a pickup truck. I hate all clowns except Puddles the Clown who is just too pitiful, too tall, and too beautiful to have any harsh feelings towards. There is nothing cuter than corgis and the Asian babies that love them. Popcorn is the most superior of all snacks. Nothing cures a bad day like standing on one leg eating pineapple with chopsticks in your kitchen. And finally, texts messages are not for break ups. Ever.
With a few break ups under my belt, I will be the first to recognize how hard it is to tell someone (or be told by someone) you just aren’t that into them. And there is never a good time for a breakup; if you end it on a great day (birthday, anniversary, graduation day) you just ruined a memorable moment, and if you break up with them on an already awful day (they just found out Twin Peaks won’t be getting another season) you kicked them while they were already down. Either way, you’re looking like season three Dean from Gilmore Girls.
And somewhere between love letters and Snapchat, the text message has become the preferred way of delivering the classic, “It’s not you, it’s me. I need to work on myself … away from you … preferably with other people … so please delete my number.” In an effort to remedy this tragic and emoji filled situation, I’ve written a few rules about what texts should and should not be used for and other, more civilized ways to conduct the dreaded break up talk.
Texts should be used to …
Alert all your high school girlfriends to the news that the ridiculous girl from show choir is now engaged and you’d like to start a drinking game in which everyone takes a shot every time she posts something to her Pinterest wedding board.
Ask your coworker in private if you can curate the video of girlfriends describing their boyfriend’s nether regions to a police sketch artist.
Tell someone you’re running late.
Judge your friend’s girlfriend/boyfriend because technically if you don’t say that they’re a fun sucker out loud, you’re not really a bad person.
Warn a friend silently that: (a) Their ex- is nearby (b) A sliver of their lunch has now permanently lodged itself in their teeth (c) Their fly is down (d) Beyonce has just realized a new album and you would call but that would slow down how fast they were receiving this news.
Wake up your friends across the country who keep forgetting about the time change and texting you at 2am.
Consulting with your roommate about how to get party guests out of your house so you can go to sleep.
Texts should not be used to …
Quit a job.
Apply to a job.
Tell your mum you’re moving to New York City.
Tell someone they’re fired.
Tell someone they’re fired as your friend.
Ask someone to marry you.
Reply to said marriage proposal.
Crush someone’s dreams and tell them last minute you can’t go to Disneyland.
Inquiry about someone’s STD.
Break up with someone.
And finally, the grand finale, the one we’ve all been waiting for. How to break up with someone, the Carly Christine edition:
Write it on a cake and deliver it to their home, because after you’ve left and said what you need to say, at least they’ll have a cake to keep them company. Also maybe bring wine.
Start first with their extended family and then work your way in, leaving no stone unturned. We all know breaking up with someone’s grandma is the hardest part so do it first and do it quick.
Give them a six pack of beer, a tub of cookie dough, and let them down easy. The cookie dough says “I’m sorry, but it’s time for us to wallow separately — maybe you more than me in this moment — but take comfort that I will also be watching Gilmore Girls on repeat for the next week.”
Face to face like the gentlemen/lady you are.