Dear Friday Night Self,
Depending on the week you’ve had, your planner reads one of two things right now: Endless happy hour or a date with your sweat pants, Netflix, and a sleeve of Thin Mints. And should you actually get your lipstick on and go out for a night with friends, one wine bottle will easily turns into two and then three as you all sit marveling at the fact that you’re living in New. York. City. And not to be the kill joy of the party, but here are a few reminders your Sunday morning self feels quite strongly about imparting.
1. Hard alcohol, we’re never getting back together.
Like Las Vegas, there are some things I’m just not meant to enjoy. Hard alcohol is one of them (Discluding margaritas and mojitos because those are drinks even the Amish would love). When hard alcohol enters a Friday night in any way, shape, or form, it never leads to an enjoyable next day. Remember that, there is always a Saturday morning after a Friday night out.
2. New York is freakishly expensive so cool your jets!
Have no shame going restaurant to restaurant trying to find the cheapest wine list. People already knew you didn’t live in the West Village before you started this bar bounce, so might as well run with it. In one night in New York, it’s easy to spend over 55 dollars between food, dessert, and drinks. Which to someone coming from California, is insane.Where is the $7 pho and $10 pitchers? So no need to go crazy out there and definitely no need to do this Friday fun night more than twice a month.
3. Always have cash. And chapstick.
Because getting cash out of an ATM at a bar is just never a good idea. And as for the chapstick, you just have very dry lips all the time. Oh, also always bring a hair tie because sometimes you get warm in overcrowded bars and then start sweating everywhere and it’s just not attractive.
4. Never compromise your relationship with your oxfords and flats for fashion.
Because when it comes down to it, your oxfords are going to withstand hours of waiting to order drinks in an overcrowded New York bar much better than those girls in heels. Plus after grabbing a beer, there is always the walk home to the subway station which is never as close as you remember. In my experience, I’ve never met a man who after going out, turned to his friends and said, Wow did you see the heels on those women last night! WHHHHEEEWWWWWWWW! Never in the history of the universe has that happened so do yourself a favor, wear flats.
5. Be honest, you’re not going to make that yoga class in the morning.
Instead, make a camel proud and drink your body weight in water, take out your contacts, and start dreaming about the killer brunch you’re going to make tomorrow. Because what’s the point of a night out in New York if it’s not promptly followed by a mountain of hashbrowns, bacon, a cranberry muffin, and an ice tea the size of your head.
6. Never mix alcohols.
It didn’t work in college and it’s definitely not going to work now.
7. Fiction vs. Reality.
In the midst of a night out, usually between the second and third beer, I think to myself, Could my friends and I be any cooler? Our jokes are the funniest jokes in the world, our love is infinite, we’re portraits of beauty, we can conquer the world! In essence, I see us like this:
When in reality, we’re more like this:
Now Self, go and have fun, make friends, throw mean looks at the group of Wall Street bankers who insist on smoking right in front of you and complaining about how far it is to their Upper East side homes are from here. But most of all, remember not to attempt to cook dumplings when you get home in the wee hours of the morning. You’ll just set off the smoke detector, and it’s not worth it.
Your Sunday Morning Self