A Single’s Guide to Valentine’s Day

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Like the measles, Valentine’s Day is back and stronger than ever this year. And you, well, as your grandma likes to remind you — along with the phrase, “You aren’t getting any younger” — are single. Party of one. Flying solo. Three tickets to paradise — one for you and two for your cats.

This time of the year is not easy for the single community, but don’t you worry! Once couples stop needing one another’s warmth to survive the New York blizzards, they’ll be leaving team cupid for whatever team the rest of us are on. Team Moaning Myrtle? She was a strong single gal … despite being a ghost in a Hogwarts bathroom and crying all the time. You know what, our single team doesn’t need a name, it’s that awesome!

In an effort to get our mind off the couples clogging our sidewalks and holding up our coffee lines to  stare madly into each other’s eyes, here is a comprehensive, personal list of all the things you can do on Valentine’s Day instead of playing tonsil hockey with your sweet babboo.

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A Singles Practical Valentine’s Day To-Do List

1. Finish your taxes.

Yeah that’s right, start your day out with a bang! Look, taxes have to get done. You might as well do them now so that when the 15th rolls around, you can focus solely on getting the best deals on discounted Valentine’s Day candy. Priorities people.

2. Start drinking immediately.

It seems only appropriate that when you mark “single” on any doctors/employment/registration forms you should be given a bottle of champagne. Good for me for not settling! In reality is dating a bit scary and too much work in a city consumed with slush? Maybe, but take a cue from my champagne bottle here and don’t be judgmental.

3. Buy an entire pie and then eat it.

No plates are allowed to this pie party, and no other humans either.

4. Get your teeth cleaned.

The office will be wide open, no wait time, no lines! Maybe through in a pap smear and mammogram while you’re at it. Treat yo self.

5. Watch a documentary on slavery, the Holocaust, any world war, or sexism.

I mean after watching “Schindler’s List” enough times, your petty, single problems are going to look like nothing. You don’t have a date? Um … you didn’t have to live under a Nazi regime, shut your face.

Advice: Steer clear of watching anything romantic or would require you to stand in a long line of couples and whisper, “One please … One please … I KNOW YOU HEARD ME, I SAID TICKET FOR ONE HUMAN WHO IS ALONE!”

6. Start knitting sweaters for your cats, your friend’s cats, and the stray cat’s outside.

I don’t want to say you should start preparing for life as a spinster buuuuutttttt … I mean, if history has shown us anything, it’s that single ladies really do rule the world. Mrs. Rodchester from Jane Eyre, Miss Marple, Mary Poppins — actually two out of three of these ladies are awesome! Burn the bras, and get the knitting needles out!

7. Embrace the fact that you’re single.

So my mother will not worry that I’ve moved into the bitter, cynical territory of Brooklyn, my real recommendation for Valentine’s Day is treating yourself to anything and everything you deserve (within reason, don’t blame your credit card debit on my blog). Go to early morning yoga, bake cookies, write, paint, take walks with a corgi you stole from a neighbor, see friends, and smuggle a bottle of wine under your snow jacket so you can enjoy cocktail hour while simultaneously yelling at couples in horse drawn carriages traveling around the park. Now that is Valentine’s Day perfection.

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