Things This Blogger Will Never Accomplish …


    • Coordination — especially when it comes to sports.
      Whether a ball is thrown from four or forty feet away, there is always a zero percent chance I will catch it. So if you were just about to ask me to join your intramural softball game, for the sake of the team’s safety, I recommend you ask me to be the popcorn girl instead.
    • A sense of style.
      Sure, I can get out of my house looking semi-decent but beyond that I’m at a lost. My personal fashion staples:  jeans that can withstand beer being spilled on them, anything with cartoon animals on it, my super cool glasses, boots, one of a kind necklaces and scarves. No heels, no tights and absolutely NO booty shorts! I wish in the photo above Gru and I weren’t wearing identical outfits but as is life.
    • Completely finishing a to do list.
      There is nothing I love more than crossing things off of my to do list. But when I make a new to do list everyday — and sometimes multiple times a day — in the hopes that I won’t lose more of my marbles, the amount of unchecked items tend to just transfer from one list to another without getting done.
    • Sitting through an entire scary movie without plugging my ears.
      What can I say, I am the wimpiest of the wimps. Put on a video of an open heart surgery and I’m loving it.  But start playing “I’m-coming-for-you-and-your-family” music while some kids are in the woods and I am the first to cover my eyes in terror.
    • Successfully going on a decent first date.
      The first date has always reminded me more of a job interview than a social outing. After you do the awkward hug (which always happens EVEN if you just try and shake hands), you are bombarded by basic question to rule out your not a psycho. What do you do for a living? Where did you go to school? Do you have healthcare? Have you ever been treated for mental illness?  It is always awkward and usually ends with me uncontrollably giggling at something my date doesn’t find funny. As is life you know?
    • Returning phone calls.
      Try as I might, returning phone calls is one of those things that always manages to stress me out. And in turn, my friends always complain about the length of time that goes by without them hearing my sweet angelic voice (sarcasm, I sound like I high-pitched bear). Sorry people! I’m trying to remedy this one but with 23 years of perfecting this bad habit, you might just want to text me about where we are going to hangout instead.

      In the end, not accomplishing any of these things isn’t the end of the world, in fact, I almost prefer it. Sure I’ll never be that girlie girl who understands how to put on makeup but I wouldn’t change a little thing like that for any of the other things I have accomplished.


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