… when I cried in the bathroom at work and didn’t talk in the office until 4:50pm because I was working so hard, it takes a lot to remember all the good things. From my nagging sore throat to the 8 hours of stressful writing, today when the clock hit 5pm I had the urge to lay my head down on the desk and sob. But using my better judgment and the fact that my desk was being occupied by the CEO for a meeting with my editor, I packed up my bag and headed to the store to finally buy food again. Alright lets be honest, I mostly wanted a beer and I figured I could grab food in the meanwhile.
So what is the reason I got teary eyed at NMR? It’s true I am not a crier. Being dropped off for college was piece of cake. The Notebook, I only cried the first time. Somewhere in Time, laughed at the end.
But today I could feel the tears building up as I tried to find article topics, write some sort of coherent piece and not stress out about moving onto the next one. 4 articles a day? Are you CRAZY? Being the newest writer, the youngest writer and the only girl, I constantly feel one step behind, struggling to set up interviews and finish my articles. While I am proud of all that I have learned about social media in the past 3 months, days like today make me nervous that the magazine made a mistake in hiring me. Am I a sell out for staying in the OC instead of moving to a big city with my friends? Will I ever move and make a difference? Am I doing a good job with my writing? Am I doing a good job with appreciating my family and friends?
Sadly tonight I don’t think I will figure out all the answers or any answers to be honest. So instead, tonight is going to be about self care. Making cookies, watching James Bond, reading. Sounds like a good end to a long day.